Scream Queens. My new favorite wonderfully-quirky, hilariously-dramatic dark comedy television show. I love this show. I also love my job. So naturally this led me down the path things like this always lead me: combining two (or more) of my loves into one mega-Candacesque conglomerate. This time, a peek into what my life as a social media marketer is like as told by Julia Roberts’ niece and her band of misfits:
Good morning, social media! You lay in bed after your alarm goes off and check each of your networks to see what happened while you were asleep. Then as you chug your coffee and fix your face/hair for the day, you listen to a podcast and and prepare for all the wordsmithing, consultations and meetings you’ll have during your gloriously fast-paced day.
You’re a social media marketing manager and you know that a ton of research and careful consideration goes into all content you create and share with your audience and the world. At some point a simpleton will ask you what you do for a living. You’ll tell them and throw shade as the dreaded, “Oh so you just play on Facebook all day?” tumbles out of their mouth.
Do you play favorites? Of course you do – favorite Little Debbie snack cakes (ahem, the Christmas Cakes), favorite intern (KIDDING), favorite fans (serious this time and I’m looking at you, Mo Walker) and, most importantly, your three favorite platforms – Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Duh.
Someone wants you to promote something for them on your networks. Great! They don’t, however, want to provide any information, photos or ready-made content about whatever the event/program/organization actually is.
A calendar event pops up on your computer. You forgot to post about something you promised you’d help promote.
An officemate is meeting with a department about something totally unrelated to social media. Inevitably, social media will come up and they will bring that group to your desk. You do your best to sound intelligent but mostly you’re super awkward because you were probably floundering in the Internet black hole and binge/rage-eating snack cakes. In general you’re just super weird and awkward. It takes a special person to run social media. Weirdly special.
Just how social media marketers like their social media content. Zing!
That euphoric feeling that comes when you ban a troll who is heinously harassing your target audience.
The way social media marketers picture online whiners.
You see a post from years ago (or whenever) and spot a typo. You stupid minx.
Someone’s being rude but not downright appalling. They’re annoying but not so much to warrant banning them – and you’re anti-censorship; people can say what they think/want/feel! They aren’t, however, outside the scope of receiving a very special, yet very private, nickname.
Ugh. People. Seriously. They can be so tacky…but that’s not to say when you encounter them IRL you have to be. It’s worth noting a social media marketer never forgets. Never. We’re the elephants of the bipedals.
You overhear your interns talking and you’re literally like, “WHAT! What does any of that even mean?” Youths. They have their own language. And what do you have? An always-handy shortcut link to urbandictionary.com.
You’re finally happy with the messaging you so carefully and painstakingly created…and it slays online.
Congratulations! You and your ideas have just wowed a crowd of people at a conference, workshop or meeting. Now walk away-quickly-before you ruin it. And seriously, don’t chew gum. Not when you present and not in real life.
No. No one ever understands when you try to describe your social media marketing strategy for their brand. But when it all comes together and they see it – you’re a magnificent goddess genius. The Olivia Pope of the social media world.
for when your team loses.
Reading the one millionth awful comment of the day.
A character on TV sums up your job perfectly.
This is the answer you give people when they ask you what percentage of time you aren’t working.
You’re in a meeting and someone has proclaimed they think QR codes, Google+ and Foursquare are the best options for their project.
Your photographer/graphic designer/intern/copywriter get you EXACTLY what you were needing for a post…along with a side of snack cake.
You reach a new social media milestone (i.e. getting verified on any network, executing a flawless and engaging Twitter Takeover, gaining an extra point on your Klout score, completing a project you put a ton of time/work/effort/energy/research into and fate is smiling at you, thus making it all worth it).
You know wayyyyyyyyy too much information about many, many people you’ve
creeped seen online. But is it really your fault they post everything about their life for all the world to see?
Someone just asked you how hashtags work.
Shared documents. You and a coworker keep changing each other’s edits when the other isn’t online.
You, trying to act like you know about sports but you really do not.
Technology is not cooperating. You’re having an off day. Your relationship is strained. That’s ok. It happens sometimes. Take a break and eat your feelings. Technology will probably continue to not work until you get back.
You take your interns with you to meetings so it appears you have a squad. (Incidentally, “squad” is a word you learned via #18.)
When you see a new trend online and realize you’re old. (Examples: left shark, #ww, that whole making yourself ugly thing, netflix and chill, Poot Levato, X Files and chill, “Same,” pocket points, bae, dubsmash, #EggPlantFriday, NPR and chill, that black/blue dress thing, minecraft, thigh gaps, #ootd, pretty much anything “and chill.”)
…or whatever group has decided to take a stand over something ridiculously petty.
You know exactly how you like things done. You aren’t afraid to tell people (sometimes repetitively) and then execute your plan.
The only phrase one can utter after you’ve worked your social media magic and fixed whatever was wrong with their networks.
You’ve implemented a new media format (like cinemagraphs) on your networks and no one gets it. Like, no one.
Your boyfriend knows you read every comment and notification that comes through your networks. Sometimes he comments things specifically directed at you because he knows you will see it and only you will know what he’s talking about. It’s your very own, modern version of hand-written love letters.
This is how you begin to feel about every social media network you manage.
A ridiculous debate between the overly-sensitive breaks out in the comment section of one of your posts.
Someone in your audience DMs you content you can actually use.
You’ve been in so many meetings you haven’t had time to actually post to your social media networks.
You go to bed and check on your networks one last time before you drift off to sleep. In the morning, you wake up ready to do it all over again.
All the social media, all the time,