Happy Fake, Construction Paper Heart Day

What?  What about my title??

I’m sorry, I just don’t like Valentine’s Day.  Maybe it’s because I never felt I got enough Valograms in high school, or maybe it’s because 99% of the Valentine’s Days I’ve experienced have been either A) depressingly lonely or B) depressingly awful.  (I won’t go into the details, but I’ve been on some Awk Ward blind dates around this holiday season.)

But really I just think the whole concept is utterly unnecessary, not to mention a detestable massacre of rose bushes around the world.

Seriously though, do we really need Valentine’s Day?

To show our dads we love them, we have Father’s Day.

To show our moms we love them, we have Mother’s Day.

To show our grandparents we love them, we have Grandparents Day (I think).

And to show our beaus we love them, we have anniversaries.  And if we’re thinking in terms of actual healthy relationships, we have every single day of the year.

From where I stand the only people left out of the equation are siblings, and you can trust me when I say Valentine’s Day isn’t used by sisters and the like to express their kind feelings towards each other.  It’s more of a “who got the best card for Mom and Dad” or “who has the most thoughtful boyfriend” situation than a “oh dearest sister, how mucheth I loveth you!” one.

And so, seeing as siblings aren’t the reason for the season, I must ask you:


The government and all its devious allies would have you believe that Valentine’s Day is for lovers.  But I tell you here today, not so.

Valentine’s Day isn’t about love, or appreciation, or showing you care or any of that related nonsense.  And Valentine’s Day isn’t about commercialism either (although BOY HOWDY do you people waste a lot of money on it).

Valentine’s Day, to put it plainly, is for the lonely people.  The singles.  The people who have “looking for: dating, a relationship, and whatever I can get” listed on their Facebook profiles.

Valentine’s Day isn’t about encouraging people to reach out and say “I love you”…it’s about making single people feel worthless and boring and fat.  (The fat thing is true.  Ask any single female.)

I don’t claim to comprehend why Valentine’s Day was designed for this purpose; perhaps it’s a government conspiracy intended to force all the singles to become coupled and begin propagating the species.  God only knows.  But what I can tell you is that whoever created this holiday was an evil, evil man (yes, definitely a man) who should’ve been smothered via pillow at an early age.

Because having been one of those singles for many a past V-Day, I can 100% attest to the fact that this holiday makes one want to cry and eat cookies and buy several cats (who will later make more cats, and then more cats and more cats until one can officially call oneself the Crazy Cat Lady).

You think I’m exaggerating, but you shoulda seen me two years ago with my tub of Rock Road.

And unfortunately for the single folk, there is no escaping this dark mark upon society.  Even those super emo anti-Valentine’s Day parties are shrouded in hypocrisy; I bet you 1 trillion dollars that every person that attends those events would much rather be in the arms of their prince/princess charming, whomever (and wherever) they may be.

My point being, all Valentine’s Day does is make single people obsess about their single status, and coupled people obsess about how expensive roses are in February. 

What is the point?

There is none, I tell you, and I won’t stand for it anymore.

Now that I’m one of the dreaded coupled people, I plan to take a stand for single folks all around the world.  I will not purchase chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers of any kind, or suckers shaped like hearts this year, nor will these items be purchased for me.  Hunter and I are going to have a simple evening at home, sipping wine and looking smugly down upon those who caved to this Hallmark holiday and spent a fortune on truffle thingies with gross raspberry foam inside.

(Actually, Hunter is not quite so cynical as I and will probably not look smugly down upon anyone.  But no matter, for I’ll do it enough for the both of us.)

So if you’re single this year, and if Valentine’s Day is making you feel bad about that (FOR SHAME), take it from me-

Whether single, coupled, married or divorced, Valentine’s Day doesn’t change the state of mind or being for anyone.  Chocolate never gave anyone happiness, and those crunchy heart candies taste a little bit like sidewalk chalk.  And though roses are pretty and aromatic at first, they eventually die and wilt and become reminiscent of funeral flowers…and then you’ve got a whole new reason to be depressed.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t let today get to you.  It’s just another day.  So go home, pour yourself a glass of wine, and pat yourself on the back for not being part of one of those stressed out couples waiting in line at the Red Lobster.  And if there is a piece of you that’s longing to be a “coupled” instead of a “single,” have faith.  It took me 26 years of dreadful Valentine’s Days, but I’m finally and happily off the market.

Someday your prince will come.  But I can guarantee you it won’t be because of Valentine’s Day.

Much love.

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No Comments on "Happy Fake, Construction Paper Heart Day"

  1. Ashley
    15/02/2010 at 3:05 pm Permalink

    But it IS your moo cow’s biffday. Just saying

  2. Megan
    15/02/2010 at 3:05 pm Permalink

    Actually, it started out as a Saint’s day, for several martyrs in ancients Rome who were named Valentine. The paper hearts and romance were added later

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