Abigail and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Driver

Seeing as the last time I talked about driving I discovered just how opinionated people can get when using the “anonymous comment” option, I shall begin this post with a disclaimer:

I am not the greatest driver in the world.  Now, I do consider myself to be a skilled driver in terms of technique (meaning I’m not one of those girls who takes up two lanes while putting on lipstick and Facebooking on my iPhone), but I’m not so fantastic when it comes to temperament.

So, when you read the following please don’t think I consider myself faultless.  I simply think myself less at fault than everybody else.

The other day I was driving down I-35, relatively carefree and appreciative of the unusually warm weather on that particular afternoon.  I had my windows down, my Beatles CD blaring, and I was enjoying the 35 minute drive to the city that allowed me to clear my head and listen to “Strawberry Fields Forever” 72 times on repeat.

Then I noticed a black suburban in my rearview mirror.

Swerving angrily from lane to lane, it was immediately clear that this driver felt his destination a priority above everybody else’s.  In and out he veered, hap-hazardous and without a blinker, and my eyes narrowed at the notion that somebody so careless could legally be allowed to drive.

And then he pulled up beside me.

Purposely avoiding eye-contact, the yahoo cast a fleeting glance at my car and accelerated next to me in the right lane.  Faster and faster he went, until he had almost enough clearance in front of my car to get in front of me.

Almost enough clearance, but not enough.

So what did the sleazebag do?

He accelerated a little more, almost rear-ended the car in front of him, and then swerved in front of me with mere inches to spare.

I slammed on my brakes, as did all the cars behind me, and off raced the black suburban who thought he ruled the world.

And here’s where my personal driving drawback comes into play.

In situations of extremely inconsiderate driving, I sometimes believe it my duty to act as the Policewoman of the World.  It’s a genetic condition I inherited from my father; I cannot be held responsible.

So after slamming on my brakes and bracing for a possible rear-impact, I waved my hand at the slimebucket and made the “go ahead, cut me off” gesture that people do from time to time.

And then that degenerate did something that only further proved his complete lack of general human merit:

He flipped me off.

The most heated, dangerous, inconsiderate driver on the planet flipped ME off!

Now, again I say that I realize my actions spurred on the piece of worthlessness.  But to be given the bird by the same person who almost killed me was just too much to handle, and I spent the rest of the drive imagining a brigade of cop cars pulling him over and arresting him for being a total jackhole.

And I say all this to pose a question:

What is it about being in a car that turns us into utter Neanderthals?

Oklahomans are famous for their warm and welcoming personalities.  We’ve never met a stranger, and we’ll have hearty conversations with just about any Dick or Jane on the street.  But put us behind the wheel of a vehicle, and suddenly we’re conniving, impatient, greedy, and just plain mean.

What gives?

And here’s another thing; since when, SINCE WHEN I say, is it ever appropriate to flip off a GIRL?!  Now I’m all for gender equality, but here in the Midwest “feminism” is a dirty word and working women are bad mothers.  So if I have to endure outdated stereotypes, I’d at least like to be granted the measly acts of chivalry that go with them.

If I had to venture a guess, I’d say people act this way simply because they can.  Driving offers a certain amount of anonymity, and especially if you’ve got your sunglasses on nobody will be able to recognize your face.

But the fact that this makes us want to be absolutely awful to one another is beyond depressing; it’s flat out disturbing.

Are we really that primitive?

The next time you witness an act of terrible driving, learn from my mistake and don’t express your sentiments to the barbarian behind the wheel.  But do take a moment to be thankful that you’re not like those self-centered prats, because in terms of evolutionary theory they’re only a few years smarter than a mentally disabled chimpanzee.

And just so you know, I got that black suburban’s license plate number.  Perhaps I should let my Policewoman of the World act go and focus on the good in life, but I’d really rather find that bugger and citizen’s arrest his ass.

Much love.

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No Comments on "Abigail and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Driver"

  1. Anonymous
    30/03/2010 at 2:08 pm Permalink

    Great post. One factor that you missed was that you impeded his forward progress by not allowing enough room for him to pass you safely

  2. Marisa
    30/03/2010 at 2:09 pm Permalink

    You should have called the highway patrol and turned in his plate number. Then, at least this driver would’ve been pulled over and given a stern talking to. This is one of my favorite highway activities

  3. Fauna
    30/03/2010 at 2:10 pm Permalink

    We are Beatles soul mates!!!! “Strawberry Fields” (forever) is BY FAR my favorite Beatles’ song of ALL TIME! In fact I wanted it in the wedding, but my mother did not think it was appropriate, whatever. I MISS YOU!!!!!!

  4. Clint
    31/03/2010 at 8:53 am Permalink

    “I simply think myself less at fault than everybody else.” Haha, this is classic! Oh, and I think you should retain the right to change the anonymous post option to the “mentally disabled chimpanzee” option…just a thought, maybe Unwind will consider it.

  5. Henry
    08/04/2010 at 10:05 pm Permalink

    Yes, Abigail…you impeded his forward progress, didn’tchya know? Hard to slow down and let someone in if you had cars lined up behind you.

    Funny how some people read but don’t comprehend, eh?

    Anyway, maybe instead of pumping your angry fist at him, you could wag your finger next time. Make the douche revert to his adolescent time-out days.

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