Feb

14

5 Reasons to (*Not) Watch Twilight this Friday

Filed Under Entertainment | Leave a Comment  | by

Cartoon of the twilight castEven if you aren’t a Twi-hard, here are 5 reasons to laugh at and watch Twilight this weekend:

1. CGI Baby

That’s right; nobody’s mother wanted their innocent child subjected to the travesty that is Twilight, so they had to make one with special effects. And even though 2001: A Space Odyssey managed to convince people that they shot a movie in space in 1968, the special effects people decided to construct a monstrous, half-blooded, bobble-headed freak that one must truly see to believe.

2. Everyone Dies

Guess how it ends guys? Everyone bites it. Not in the hilariously relevant vampire sense either. In the try-hard-to-be-epic final battle sense. I already saw Braveheart, thanks.

3. Indie Soundtrack

Remember when you liked bands like Passion Pit and Ellie Goulding? Well, prepare to have them ruined in what would seem to be the saddest attempt at a mash-up YouTube video of all time. Hearing legitimately good bands play over the abysmal screen content is like listening to the Space Jam theme song as the Godfather opens.

4. Kristen Stewart

The ubiquitous Internet picture of Kristen displaying her range of emotions notwithstanding, the main actress has cheated on her co-star, curled her lip like an 8th grade punk girl, and stared blankly into the camera enough that she could only go up from here. And maybe that’s the point. Lindsey Lohan, take note.

5. The End

It’s the last one. If you have dignity (which I’m assuming is iffy at this point because you have to be convinced NOT to see Twilight), you haven’t seen the first ones. Why start now? Do you want to be the person who starts to eat the ice cream cone from the bottom? Because that’s stupid. But if you want to be a trendsetter – like the guy who first came up with breakfast for dinner – I’d bet that the Twilight series makes a whole lot more or as much sense when watched backwards.

-Jacob Oller, UPB Comedy Series

Comments

Leave a Reply




  • Tags

    Music
Skip to toolbar